A Modern Proposal

In response to Thomas Swifts "A Modest Proposal", I present a modern-day take on his essay. It is to be noted that much of this structure follows directly from Swifts' own. 

A Modest Proposal

For Preventing the Elderly in America

from Being a Burden to Their Children or Country,

and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and the buildings, crowded with elderly of both sexes, dependent upon the prosperity of those around them and Social Security, importuning every taxpaying citizen for an alms. These elderly people, instead of dying at the projected age of sixty-five, are outlasting the amount of pay allocated to them by ten, twenty, even thirty years. Additionally, the commercial aspects of this country are also in danger from this extended longevity, as any pensions owed to these beasts of burden will be extended for far longer a time than any profitable enterprise could ever hope to consider. And among these issues, with our rapidly advancing technology, the projected percentage of this parasitical population will rise from twelve percent to nineteen percent. I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of elderly digging into the coffers of the young is in the present deplorable, debt-ridden state of this country a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, profitable way of disposing or employing these elderly would deserve so well of the public as to be allowed avoidance of the measure they devise. 

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the current thirty-nine million elderly, those over the age of sixty-five, should follow the following instructions based upon their current situation. For those wealthy elderly, as in any member of this age group that has enough monetary or material capital to sustain themselves for the next one hundred years: this group should be allowed to maintain their status quo, but contribute a certain portion of their wealth to the rest of the country, or they can follow the next proposal. For those elderly who are not tied to affluence, they will be given a coin to flip five times. Should this coin land upon the tails side even once during the five flips, they shall be promptly executed as to reduce any burden. Should this coin land upon the heads side every time, then they shall become subject to any human experimentation deemed appropriate by various institutions around the country, thus becoming an important resource in the advancement and progression of our nation. I grant that any elderly member who is lucky enough to become the cattle of experimentation will be held very dear, for those taxpayers who gave and gave for the survival of the elderly have the best title to the lives of said elderly. I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, and so hope that my designs be carefully considered.